is that a wink or an eye twitch?

So, apparently I am already bad at this whole documenting business. So far, you have missed a week of 25. I will try not to bore you to death with too much detail, but some interesting stuff did happen.

So, overall it was a pretty good day, my birthday....my coworker made me a delicious cookie cake (which normally I find a little gross, but this one had oatmeal, chocolate chips and, they key: peanut butter chips. mmmm.), my mom sent me flowers, my best friend was flying in and others were planning seafood feast! But, a couple of things got to me: the fact that a friend and recent graduate totally snubbed a job opportunity at my organization (the same position I started out there) because of the pay, the fact that I stained the glorious fuscia dress I was wearing at lunch, and when I went to slip on my favorite go to skirt, realized it was also stained and that the outfit looked like I was about to play tennis BUT had to wear anyway because it was the only suitable thing for a fancy restaurant, one of my "good" friends from college bailed on dinner which left me with my good friend Nina and two other girls who I mostly know through Nina and are not very close to. I felt like I was not going to my birthday party but someone else's. I wanted to cry. As I walked to the restaurant, I tried to hold back the tears. Even as I sat waiting for everyone to show, I was sucking it up. And then Nina arrived with a gift. A book that she had been introduced to by coincidence on a trash bin in an alley. When God Winks: It's a book about signs, or "god winks" from your destiny, God, fate, whatever that higher power might be. I didn't tell her then, but that in itself was a sign. It's going to be ok...

The next day I embarked on a small road trip with my best friend Anne complete with a 25 mix CD. We drove west to visit her family on the edge of Illinois. She is so thoughtful. WE EVEN DID A CHINESE FIRE DRILL SO I COULD DRIVE! I don't care how old you are, fire drills are small thrills in life, and should be done sporadically throughout life! Anne also gave me a necklace, a wishbone.
I know this is not exactly the way you thought it would be right now, and that's ok- life is a story, you can't open in the middle and start reading. I thought this gift would be fitting, not because you need luck or wishes. i wanted to remind you that you always MAKE your wishes, your dreams, your aspirations come true. You get to be whatever you want- so get to it!

I know she was worried because her family can be intense, they are notorious for it, but it was fun. We even visited her great aunt who is known as kind of an old bitch (I promise I am not being mean, this is how they refer to her). Well, she might be kind of a bitch, but in a way I can appreciate. She is fiesty and still quite cognizant of what is going on around her, and of her health (she has cancer). Everyone should have at least a little bit of her in them.

These b-day festivities were linked by a common thread: seizing opportunities life throws at you to create change in your life. If I want something, I have to do it, and I should not let other people affect my dreams or their transition to reality. I have to stop being a victim. It doesn't matter if I make mistakes, I can get back on track, but I have to try.

I think the first step is thinking about what I really want. That is one of the steps in this book. It is such a hard question. Maybe it isn't for some people, but it is for me. My little road trip only reinforced the battle that I feel is going on. Two very different dreams, battling it out. One is to make roots, to settle down, find a man, perhaps get another job in the city or perhaps far from the city and enjoy friends and family, while growing one of my own. On the other side is a the dream to pack my things and take flight. To travel, and take me wherever the wind blows, with a vague idea of return. I want both. But do I get to have both? If I go for door number 2, does that mean I may not get a chance at door number one. Is it worth it to me? Does it really matter?

I think an easier question for me to answer is: who do you want to be? I feel like, if I can be who I want to be, the rest will just fall into place. So here goes...
I want to be:
a good friend
thoughtful
honest
reliable
trustworthy
a hard worker
giving
taking
open
put-together
financially secure
fit
confident
bold
in the moment
a listener
cultured and knowledgable
fluent in Spanish (and any other language I can manage)
comfortable in my own skin
passionate
fearless
kind

Maybe I cannot be all of these things at once...and maybe I cannot be these things without pursuing one of these dreams first, but I can try. I can try all the time to be the best me, and I can never be at fault for trying.

As i was reading the book, it suggested you go back and look at the turning points in your life in order to look for god winks. I've long been aware of signs, though I have sometimes deliberately ignored them, but I decided to search through my journal to look for any others i might have missed. In doing so, I think I got a wink? A twitch?

5/18/04
I have anxiety about something and I don't know what...well, actually it could be a lot of things like: exercising, overeating...watching Sex and the City and being afraid that I will be single at 35 plus, but without wonderful sort of single friends to support me; or could it be that N is thinking about not studying abroad the whole year next year, which means I am the only one doing it...which cares me. The whole thing scares me, because I'll have no safety net, just me trying to figure it all out. But I didn't feel like this ALL weekend. Saturday i had a moment of clarity, a moment with God. My heart was about to burst with the excitement of discovering what God has in store for me in Spain...

6/30/04
...Watching the movie and Sex and the City after made me really want to be kissed- long and hard, and I really wish a guy could see that...my lips have "Kiss me! Kiss me! Kiss me! NOW!" written all over them! but I guess they aren't mind readers. One day. Maybe...Someday soon! (keep your fingers crossed)

7/20/04
Today I packed up a lot of stuff in my room- my posters, pictures, etc. it's amazing how bare naked and starile my room looks now. It's just not my room anymore. It makes me kind of sad, anxious about the future, scared and happy. After 20 years, I will be leaving my family and friends for a life in Spain- only for year though. I know it'll be amazing and wonderful, I hope to learn a lot about many things, but I can't pretend I won't miss all the good stuff here. But I have to do this. I want to do this. It'll be a great self-challenge....fun, studying, travel, whatever....are on the agenda for the next...forever...I guess.

Little did I know that all I wanted an more was about to happen. I saw many signs (chose to ignore some) and learned so much about myself. That year jilted me. And I have a feeling it is about to happen again. I have a good feeling, everything is going to be alright, and I am on the right track. According to SQuire Rushnell, this all equals a "God wink". Whatever you want to call it, it makes me excited and fills me with a "let me at 'em" attitude.